Yes, it’s an animated talking cat movie. No, it does not suck.  Felidae resembles your average cheaply produced Saturday morning cartoon for the first three minutes or so. Francis is the new cat in the neighborhood, moving into a derelict house with his fat owner, Gus. His voiceover is annoying and cutesy at first, then he discovers a “housewarming present” in the back yard: the mutilated corpse of a European Shorthair named Deep Purple, which may be just one death in an endless chain revolving around a creepy cult that worships an ancient cat seer named Claudandus. After teaming up with a wisecracking Manx named Bluebeard, the two feline gumshoes begin an increasingly disturbing quest through the local underworld in search of the Katzenkiller.

Owing more to giallo horror than to The Aristocats, the atmosphere of dread ramps up around nine minutes in when Francis listens to Mahler’s Resurrection Symphony, then proceeds to have a prophetic surreal nightmare involving a faceless man, a chain, a disintegrating floor, and some good old Hellfire. When he’s not freaking out to classical music, Francis and Bluebeard are being harassed by a grotesquely huge quasi-cat named King and his two eunuch flunkies. The language approaches a Mamet level of hostility if not profanity, with most of the dialogue being tough-guy proclamations (typically involving castration or other bodily harm) or the increasingly trying repetition of the words “smartass” and “asshole”. You get the picture: a script that wouldn’t pass muster even if read by Daniel Day-Lewis, which somehow becomes parodic and paradoxically brilliant when emerging from the mouths of cartoon cats.

The animation and backgrounds are also occasionally gorgeous, even when you’re watching a congregation of brainwashed cat-zealots voluntarily electrocuting themselves, one by one. This is not even close to the most distressing sequence in this short yet potent feature.

As the killer begins to strike more frequently, the body count reaches a hair-raising high in less time than it takes to skin a cat. The level of gore ramps up to Hard-R levels and then some; you’ll see these cartoon pussies decapitated, eviscerated, melted with acid in horrendous drunken experiments, etc. The deaths are shown in such graphic detail that one begins to wonder if the creators’ hatred of cats and/or children was even more immense than the mountains of cocaine that the animators must’ve sucked up. The perfunctory sex scene, occurring after an intense chase sequence, is a hilarious surprise after 45 minutes of crimson-tinged gloominess. Francis runs into a young hussy, rolling seductively on a slum rooftop. Suddenly his ass shoots into the air as cats are wont to do in these situations, and some sexy saxophone music plays. Then there’s 3 seconds of intense humping, followed by 5 minutes of trying to pick your jaw off the fucking floor.

Not to say that this is some Meet the Feebles-like exercise in trying to gross out the audience. In fact, this is a solidly written noir underneath the grue and perversion. Issues such as racial purity, blind obedience (to man and Cat Seers alike), and even the necessity of spaying/neutering eventually come into play. Then of course, comes the climactic battle, full of blood, fire, fury, flying feline fur, followed by a Grand Guignol gutting in loving slow motion. There’s also a pretty badly dated theme song courtesy of Boy George.

So, by this point you’re either offended to the very core or morbidly curious to check out this long-forgotten obscurity. Once only available in Germany or Spain, now an English dubbed version has been posted on YouTube. Francis’ voice actor sounds like a complete douchebag, and there’s the expected downgrade in quality, but at least it’s legally free (for now) so enjoy! Alternately, AVOID if you are a cat person; this last point cannot be stressed enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dqZwCxk_vk&feature=related

Tags: daniel day-lewis, felidae, michael schaack, the aristocats

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